What is life?

What is Life?

It is perhaps one of the shortest words ever but yet the word to mean the start of a being's time on Earth till the end of it.

When i was young, there was a period of time I kept asking myself who am I and what am I? What am I doing here? I understand life at that moment but could not further fathom why then do we need to go through so much hardship just to enjoy the good of it? I could not get to peace with myself until one day I heard my teacher in church explaining that there are always times we do not understand God's reasoning just like small insects like ants understanding us human. Its beyond us and no matter how we try , we will never understand why for certain things when we use our understanding to try and use it on God. We are not God and we will never understand , perhaps until the day we meet him again. For that, it managed to put me in peace for a while.

Our time on Earth is indeed short and time flies so fast.There are some stuff that do not wait for us. Can you still play soccer when you are 60 years old? The game you loved since a kid , it doesnt go away with age. No matter how humans age, the inside never change. Its only the shell that change. We love it when we were 10 we love it when we are 60. However, how many team mates will still be around then? Coupled with long working hours and heavy family commitments, gatherings like kickabouts have such an unpredictability that nobody knows exactly when it ends. When we go ktv, we always want to snatch the mic and be the one to sing most of the songs. When we take a step back to ponder: How often do we get to listen to our friend's voices compared to our own? Will I still get to hear my good friends belt out their favourite songs as often as before as time passes?

Today I was out trying to find one of my evil boss's facebook profile and see if it can be found. As it was not the first time trying to track her,  I was not too disappointed as there weren't any success before.However, tonight ,coupled with some keyboard malfunctioning, i clicked onto a total stranger from Africa with about half the same name of who i was trying to find.

I started to browse the individual and very soon realised that the person has passed away a couple of months back. There were sad posts on the facebook wall and I started to browse further. The person was a young lady and it looked like she was sick for only a short while before she passed on. I read further and realised that she was a God loving person and was simple and cheerful most of the time. It's a bit unusual to take that there were original posts from the person just half the page below and on top were all posts written by her dear friends who missed her since. Did she had any regrets? Did she manage to fufil what she want to do most?

Life is uncertain. Today, a beggar may end up being the richest man on earth one day. Vice versa, a rich man today may be tomorrow's bankrupt.  What is most important that we live to the fullest such that when we turn back, we wont regret.

I once read a book and there was an interesting quote.

Two friends walked past a beggar on the street . One of them was kind and gave him $20. They walked on and the same man then saw a pregnant lady with a child and helped them load up a taxi. Following on, they then encountered an old lady who was carrying heavy carton boxes. The helpful one again lent his hand to the old lady and perspired all over by the time he had finished helping the old lady. The friend asked the man: " Why are you so helpful? THere are so many people out there who need help. You can't possibly help then all?"

The man replied:" Yes, i can't possibly help all. However, I shall only pass by this way once. Any good that I can do or any kindness i can show to any human being;let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect; for I shall not pass this way again.

Well, this story is not to teach us to lie on the road and let every one flatten us. But sometimes we go on our lives too quickly to take enough notice on these little things which are actually meaningful.

Remember, a life is only a word and its always in singular. We dont live twice.

Good night.

How September has ended since the time I last updated!

The missus's condition began to deteriorate and there were hardly peaceful nights in the family.  One night , as I began to massgae her bloated legs, tears began to run down for a short while as I was finding it hard to accept that a healthy person has become a weak and fallen picture, lying down and unable to do anything. However, underneath all that heavy tirade of sadness, hope was felt and have to be felt.

In my 35 years, I have experienced my walks with the Lord. Other than praying hard and going to the doctors, I was getting clueless and the situation was getting tough when Karen began to cough out blood. Eventually she was admitted to the A& E at NUH and an agonizing wait of 10 hours before she was warded for another ten days. Diagnosis showed that hear heart was weak and she had a blood clot in the lung as well. Cognitive heart failure. It came as a shock , but it soon made sense to why she have had the symptoms and for a long time, we thought it was reflux. We were wrong! I prayed so hard to the Lord that she be cured only for the reflux, and i would not want anything else. However, the Lord surely had plans to heal her completely. Doctors said she has no reflux problem and I was baffled and even want to question the doctors initially why no mention was made at all. But I was still too taken aback by the lung and heart new problems.

Over the first day, she lost nearly 7 kg of water! The next few days, she made good progress and was finally allowed to be discharged after ten days in NUH. Nearly all the symptoms except for some coughing had gone. Praise the Lord! In the difficult times, it was always easy to blame God , but similarily, I hope anyone reading this or happen to come across this blog should know it is also easy to let Jesus take over it all. Recently Christianity has taken some whacking with the City Harvest case, and etc. However, do always remember that times may have changed, world changes, technology changes, people's mindset changes.. but Jesus never changed at all. From the time he walked this Earth till now, He has always been the same.

Its 66 days to Christmas as we speak. For a long time , since we had celebrated some ringing bells. All that had happened to Karen had made me realise many things and what was really worth living for. Not saying that it was a good thing that happened, but it would serve well to know so that we learn well.

Pen off for now, at the stroke of 12am. Good night fellows!

Father. There are no perfect fathers in the world, but yet there are fathers who loved perfectly.

I came upon this very touching videoin the afternoon and felt many different types of emotions and as well as memories and thoughts which I would like to share.

Father, a role whom many perceive to be more of a supporting cast in a dual parenting than the main nowadays. While looking at some comments laid down in the youtube video,  I was primarily disgusted at how some could take this educational video to condemn other fathers who have not conducted themselves as one. There is always time to mud sling, but why at every opportunity to do so? It took me about a min before i realise also that comments given by our locals are very biaised and more often than not, are just given by trigger happy commuters who are probably eating their fries as they post. Zero thoughts given, what a waste of the human brain. Sometimes we are tempted to join and condemn the latest commuter who had not given up the seat to an elderly. Think again ,perhaps the commuter had a bad day with his knees or body. Why be so quick to condemn?

Anyway, back to the topic above. A father to me, represents a very big part in every child's life. Be it whether he gets to play a pivotal role in the child as he grows, nobody will know. However one can't deny that the role is there to for him to play.

As the younger of 2 sons, I would say that my father has been more patient with me than my brother. Perhaps when my brother was borned, my father was very young and only 23-24 years old. He was inexperienced and he had governed with a hard hand and was always not afraid to shell out caning to my elder brother. Most of my younger childhood was more fortunate. I was always spared and i fondly remembered my father buying the set of japanese super hero toys for me at OG. If my current set had a few broken arms and deemed 'unplayable' by me, I would pester my father to buy for me at OG. I didnt know how tired he would be, after coming back from work from the construction site and I would throw my temper if i feel i wouldn't get the toy i wanted. I was also not aware that my father was not earning much. I didnt demand much but only certain things. I remembered once we were on a trip to OG, just me and my father. On the way, his pickup broke down. He had to change the punctured tyre all by himself. I was very sure that in his mind back then, all he wanted was to ensure we could still reach OG in time to buy the toy for me.When we reached, it was already about to close. I managed to get my toy and was very happy. Did i even bother to ask how my dad was ? Did he injure any part of himself while changing the tyre? I regretted that I was more of an introvert those days and was always quiet. However, i remembered this incident very well.

When i got to Henry Park, i saw many children who were rich and had parents driving them in very rich cards as they got off in the school car park. I was feeling ashamed that i had to come in a pickup. When i got off, i quickly went to hide. There was a time i remembered my father asking if i was ashamed of him , i quickly brushed it off, and denying it. Till today, I am very ashamed still, but of myself. I do not know where part of my brain went to, but this is something that no child should learn of. Every child should be proud of their parents. Be it even if its just $1 or $2 as pocket money , do spare a thought for your parents as you may never know what they may have went through just to give you that money on the table.

Parents of yesteryear may not be as educated as today's. Thus I believe no matter how much we can disagree with parents over certain issues, the most important thing is to know that they have our affairs at heart. My mum , who is illiterate but managed to pick up chinese just by reading newspapers and the Bible daily, could understand how important reading was for young children and how important English will be come to be. She would bring us kids, including those that she had babysit, all to the library to make sure we can borrow books to read. There were times when we came home and realised we had borrowed some malay books!  My mother could not be sure which books that were suitable for us. But today, my brother has a very successful career and I have been teaching English as tuition for the last ten years. Thus, most of the time, i wonder how much my mother could have achieve if she had went to school. However, it was her painstakingly efforts to send us to tuition no matter the cost that I will remember. Money earned through hard hours of babysitting.. Think about it. Thus, today, when parents ask of us things, we must try to do it as long as it is within our means.

As i am still not a parent to date, there are many things I have thought of for the future. How could it be like when a child, made up of characteristics of both me and my wife , stands beside me? I would see my childhood in him and likewise my wife's too. However, i have also thought what if im  childless. Where will i be when both are old? Will we be in an old folks home? Sleeping by the road or in some place which we do not even know of by then?

Well, tomorrow is the weekend and I shouldn't sound so melancholy. Enough reminiscicing. Good night and sleep tight.

September Moon

The cute girl above is named Frederike, a German who used to have a Taiwanese nanny. Well both Mrs Ussenal and me love this girl to bits as she can speak some chinese and at the same time flaunting her adorable face. Makes childless couples melt, doesnt she?

As years past, people grow. Not only in the body shape(unfortunately)but also how we think. Can a year just simply passed by without any significant changes? Can everyone's year just easily goes from Jan to Dec montonously? I think when you are young, it's easier. When you start to have a family and begin working, it doesnt seem that easy.

For a start, after my last update in this blog, there was a blow on the workfront for me. For the first time, there wasn't any performance bonus at all. It was made worse when the company had to retrench several workers due to the poor performing market in the conveyancing department. Some aquaintances left even before proper goodbyes could be said. Worry was on everyone's face and the whole office was creppily quiet with unhappy dissent. Nobody knew what could happen next. Normally such stuff would even make the bosses more paranoid; gives more pressure onto workers to ensure they themselves wouldnt get the sack.Coupled with several changes at the bank, the immediate $$ future doesnt seem too rosy even when our  own department has outperformed several other teams. for near to 8 years, this has got to be the first time when you dont even know if there is $ to be spent for the Cny 2015.

From oct 2013 to current, Mrs Ussenal has not been in good health. It has turned from a normal 'oh just take the norma med' to something which has taken much more concentration and focus. Be it from stress from work or elsewhere, it has opened me up to how easily we take good health for granted. What is the point of earning that steak when we cant even eat it?  Ask any sick person and you will know how much worth is good health. It has also made me more aware about taking that extra chilli or sweet drink. However I learnt another thing when there were times i had to be personally there for Mrs Ussenal when she was sick and weak. I came to realise what the marriage vows I took all meant actually.

When couples marry, they are happy , happy that they are handsome men marrying pretty brides and vice versa. Everything is made perfect and 100% ready to go. People say why marry when both are happy? When nobody is happy anymore, then just break and go. However, i beg to differ on why marriage is important as it brings the relationship to a higher level of understanding, responsibility and care. Relationship matters are all different levels of human feelings and responses which is why i will never believe 3 mth old relationships would have a very successful marriage because the foundations are just too premature.

When Mrs Ussenal has fallen sick, I always felt frustrated that why is she always sick nowadays. My frustration stems from the hurt and sorry i feel for her and  that i cant seem to do anything really helpful either. But that taught me to be even more patient.You dont see doctors or nurses scolding patients right, be it the 1000th patient of the same few illness. I really pray that she will be fine soon and that Jesus will heal her alright. Although there have been changes in our life styles, i learnt to accept them as long as she is fine. It then taught me that life is not like a straight road all the time. Sometimes we got to move a little to adapt.

On a side note, i have finally quitted the game Maplestory. 9 years. So many friends have come and gone. I made the decision after realising its never ending of keeping up to date with the items. There was also no point since there were no more friends and gameplay was no longer what it was.

Its another 3 months to December. I pray to Jesus that everyone is kept safe and sound and always enjoy good health. In what may be a bleak year for some, i also pray that the next 3 months will pick up and let them have a strong finish to the year 2014.

Good night Blog.

Resurrection Day

Tomorrow is Easter Day, or I would rather call it Resurrection Day.

The day where Jesus rose again 3 days afer being cruxified on the cross.

Early childhood Easter days were a fun time during church. We will get presents and definitely an easter egg to go with. When I started to grow up, Good Fridays became more 'useful' as we started to treasure holidays and tend to look forward to such.

Years past by and we come to year 2014. On the Good Friday this year, I had planned to bring my parents to a good lunch at their favourite porridge stall at busy Chinatown. I went to sleep the night before, not knowing what the next day would actually be like.

I awoke naturally, a bit bemoaning the fact that i had not caught on more sleep than usual. Before long, my mother came in and said that my brother had called and there was a family event today. Together with some of my aunties and uncles, there will be a visit to the columbariums and graves of my grandparents as well as my late Uncle Teng. Without too much pondering, i readily agreed to it.

While changing clothes, I noticed that the sky was pitch dark and will rain very soon. We quickly prepared and took our umbrellas and off we went downstairs to wait for my brother, who would come very quickly to pick us up.

As we entered the car not too long ago, rain started to fall.

Inside the car, my Uncle Beng was as usual chatting non stop. Everyone was feeling still fresh and was looking forward to offer our respects later. When we reached the Christian Cemetery at my Grandpa's it was still raining heavily. Along the narrow paths leading to the site, I could see some others who , despite the onpouring rain, remain steadfast in their decision to come out of their cars and crowd around their late but not forgotten ones.

As we reached the site of my grandpa's, we decided to wait a while in the car while my aunt Hong has yet to arrive. A silence in the car allowed me to get away in my own thoughts for a while as i peered far to where my grandpa's tomb lay.

I may be the least expressive and i am very sure i may have not said this to my grandpa ever; that I love and respect him deeply. Not that i grew up and started to know what a great man he was now. But i already knew it long ago, just that being an adult has allowed me to be able to further feel that.

I had always felt bad to my grandpa and a tinge of regret as i remembered i threw one rare tantrum at him just before he was soon to be warded for a heart by pass operation. I just felt so sorry that i hadn't the chance to say i m sorry and i swept his hand away after he had tried to sayang me after knocking onto my nose while trying to prepare some drink for me.

The silence was quickly disturbed by a message on my brother's phone. It was an apps message to the chat group which my uncles and aunties had created. Only my brother among my many cousins was inside the group as he was the eldest grandson and he would then pass on the message from the top.

Decision was to visit my great grandparents columnbariums at nearby Choa Chu Kang as the rain was too heavy for us to get down.

Soon, we reached the place. Rain had started to get smaller and i was impressed as marshallers were stationed to direct traffic, perhaps knowing Good Friday would be another busy day for relatives to give respect to the late ones, despite the recent Qin Ming festival which had passed on about a week ago. Perhaps it was just a holiday which people decided to chance upon, maybe some were busy the week before.

As we made our way there, i suddenly remembered seeing my great grand parents pictures in the big living hall of my grandpa's house at Duke's Road. Although it was so many years after they have shifted out of Duke's Road, i have several fond memories of the place, even as it stood still waiting for demolition the last time i went back to have a last look. We sang my grandpa's favourite gospel song and also read Psalm 23. Quick references were also made, pictures taken to ensure we will know where the columbariums are so it will be easier to locate in future.

Soon it was already 1130am. We next made our way back to my Grandpa's, whom i feel , even up to today, was the man everyone in my Chua Family loved and deeply respected. While my grandma had some 'crosses' among some of  the family members before and may not have made certain decisions better, my grandpa certainly have no such problems among my uncles and aunties. Never have i ever heard any of them complaining about my grandpa. Whatever he said, all held in high regard and never questioned. Even up till now, the several blank and devastated faces i seen on my uncles and aunties at my grandpa's funeral, i could not forget.

As we reached the site again, rain had stopped totally. Sun was bright and  air was humid.

As we stood around my Grandpa's tombstone after years since i last visited it, i just felt like the small boy again, waiting near my grandpa as he stood in his favourite sofa in the living room. We sang the same song and read Psalm 23 again. To me and perhaps some of our family members, i have taken Psalm 23 with me as i grew, even if i had fallen off course from church on times. This Psalm was written by David who was was one of the closest to God in the Bible. It is a very heart warming Psalm which gives comfort and strength always.

My uncle, Pastor Yen Ming then spoke briefly on the coming of Jesus soon and the recent Blood Moon in the eclipse was evident that soon, Jesus shall come again. Despite the several different schools of though in Christianity, the coming of Jesus has always been evident and on the thoug hof several christians. The day that Jesus comes again, the dead shall be resurrected and be taken up to heaven together with the living ones. What a sight that would be.

As we will soon leave for lunch at Westlake before droppin over at my Uncle Teng, i touched on my grandpa's tombstone and felt much better. Although I always felt sorry that I didnt apologise to him, i remembered i was at the hospital bed just before he went for the operation. I remembered my mother cooking chicken rice and I was walking around his bed. I cant remember saying anything but i m sure my presence around his bed would have assured him i am okay, and just throwing a silly tantrum.

As we went back into the car, i realised that my grandpa could very well be making the drink for me, knowing he might not have another chance to do it again should the operation fail. However, as with all regrets, one might say there is no turning back.

However, in our christian world, we believe in the Resurrection. Just as Jesus rose on the third day, i believe i will see my grandpa one day again and i will have the chance to say to him what i had wanted all these years.

Happy Easter Day!

Signed off Mr USsenal 

Childhood

Childhood.

Did you have an enjoyable childhood? Was it only not too long ago that you have played that above toy and pretended that you were such a good driver?

Time flies. It became easier to understand things which we were not able to years ago. Easily, you will find your self talking about years of ten to even twenty. Wasn't it not too long ago we were studying hard for the o levels? It also wasn't too long either that i had always enjoyed taking ang paos during CNY.

I remembered several things and i know somethings will fade together with the memories as years go by.

It seemed time had freezed whenever i think about the past.Joyful cries and laughter , happy times and exciting moments... But somehow we just can't stop time from going on. It seems that the images called memories just seemed to ride itself in my brain like a bicycle wheel. It never gets old.

We start to grow into adults. Our minds change and so do our physical appearance. Deep inside, we dont. Although we are now adults and no longer the little boy or girl who would throw tantrums in front of our parents, i believe if the situation allows, we still will. Some things never change.Although our parents have aged and so do us, certain habits and feelings don't.

Signed off Mr USsenal

Year of Snake to Horse

30th January 2014 
 Last Day of Snake Year, Start of Horse Year

It been a while since I am able to sit down and blog about our USsenal's recent happenings. As stated by Mr Ussenal on his last uploaded blog, you can see that many had happened in the year of Snake. Am I looking forward to the year of Horse.. ...Maybe... Maybe not... ...

I am blessed with many lovely and beautiful happenings in 2013 but I am too heavily 'saddled' like a horse in the coming new year. I missed my family members in Aussie like crazy but tonnes of words could only be kept in my heart. Hubby sick and was home for 2 days but indeed felt helpless as a wife as there's so much lacking in me and I admit, I really am an inattentive wifey. hehe Well, maybe coz my Madam aka MIL is doing all the work. What else can I contribute??? haha

Many asked me this question :''When are you going to have your baby?'' I did pondered and wondered but frankly speaking, definitely not now. Although 'saddled' with heaps and tonnes of duties and workload but deep in my heart, I do love my job scope very much.

These days, I am always sounding like a 'Customer Service Officer' representing my organisation while dealing with really 'Don't know how to describe' parents. After a long day of 'service talk', just the smile of any kiddos in the centre is enough to fuel me through the long day once again. I do really loved kids muchie and loads... .. especially GIRLS. hahahaha

My own child plan will always leads to flashes of my lovely bestie, Swee Swee who will always come to my mind always. After her lovely wedding and her first child, we have never been able to be able to meet up with each another. Been caught up with our own schedule, we missed our meet ups far too many times. However, whenever her face of a contented mother of two to be came to my mind after reviewig her Facebook updates, I will always thank God for allowing her to meet Roy, her cute and joyous hubby - the real one to love my one and only beloved Swee. Still, my own child plan still doesn't seemed to fall in place yet, at least for this Horse Year.

I remembered last year at this time, I am also blogging at this very spot and at this very time as I was awakened by the smell of curry. However, this year, CNY seemed to be abit far too quiet for me and my family. Apart from the reunion dinner we will be having with both Woo's and Chua's family(our very first time together), there is practically nothing red decorations at home(due to demise of Mr USsenal's grandmother recently). However, I am always thankful that God never fails to surprise me with loads of surprises among the group of angels he planted in my life.

Tomorrow happens to be the birthday of my beloved life mentor cum colleague cum pal - Teacher Vanessa's birthday. Nothing fanciful which I am not allowed  to do but I have decided to buy her a cake and to celebrate it with her and with the many children and colleagues whom be there at the centre with us. This is the part I liked and loved about my jobs.. .. whatever we do, no matter where we are, God always plants lovely little angels whom enjoyed birthdays best. They definitely be the one to sing the Happy Birthday Song. hahaha Not me... I still kinda sounds like a froggy(after my 3 weeks of sickness).

Looking forward to tomorrow CNY eve dinner @ Westlake(owned by my hubby's family) and been able to go back to Woo's mansionette, especially with my lovely sister, Woo Pei2 posting happily about her 3 tubs of ice-creams. hehe
Walls?Ben & Jerry or ??? I wonder... ...

 Shall update again when I had my 'FILL' .. .. Westlake & Woo's Mansionette.. .. Here I come!!! hehe

Gong Hei Fatt Choi

Signed off by Mrs USsenal 

2014

It has been sometime since an update was given here.

This is now the second day of January 2014.

There have been eventful things which had happened over the remaining 3 months to give 2013 a really kick in the ass type of feeling. Most of the times, people say that your memory gets worse as you age. However, why then do I seemed to be able to remember even better of each passing year's events?

Has time really gotten faster? Did some magnetic field under the Earth propelled time to go faster every year without us actually knowing it? Or does it have to do with ourselves?That we start to be more mature and really understand the 'tiny little stuff' and begin to treasure the really important things around us as the years start to roll.

Just a couple of days after updating in this blog, my Grandma passed away suddenly while eating dinner with my uncle. While it was sudden, the signs that my grandma was in faltering health were there. Weeks prior to her passing, she had fallen and fractured her hand. From the gathering at her deathbed at the hospital to the end of the cremation, there have been tears, eulogies given and also plenty of time reflection for all of us. While I am not very close with my Grandma and memories of her not vivid enough, the passing of her in our Chua family would have brought back several memories when my Grandpa passed away in 1988. Up till today, I still remember the blank faces of my uncles and tearful looks of my aunties. There were some unforgettable incidents which happened as well and all of these, when I am only 8 or 9 years old. It is always painful to lose someone dear. However, the passing of my grandpa saw my grandma and uncles relocate our Chua base from a bungalow house to a hdb flat at Bukit Panjang. It would also signify that daily Sunday visits to my Grandpa house will no longer be as often. The loss of the leader of the family. For the twenty over years or so, it remained as that. We will only make about 2-3 visits and gatherings with my cousins will also be that minimal. However, no matter how little we met, I have always loved the occasion where our big family comes together. Its a sense of pride.
As with my grandma's passing, again we wondered will the gatherings even cease from now then, since there is no more sort of focal figure in the family. I hope not.

October then culminated in the reunion of Keith, together with his wife, Hae Young, with us. It was a very happy occasion to be able to see him after so many years. I am glad that he has started a family and is even more satisfied that he has held true to what he promised. He has been a true friend and one that I will cherish for many years to come. He has not bought me gold or silver; but the mutual acknowledgement between us goes far more than that. Although this trip was used more for a honeymoon trip to other places such as Thailand, it was indeed nice to be able to eat, laugh, play soccer, shop and chat about the good old days. It was satisfying to know that he has hardly changed;changes are perhaps that he has grown even more in roles that he play. It was a bit sad when he left for Korea, but feeling was very much different to the time he departed years ago. This time round, I knew that he has plans and he has certain responsibilities to fufil. I feel sad that a good friend will have to go , but at the same time I am filled with so much anticipation for him and his new family that the positive vibes far outweigh the negative ones this time round.

November and December were pretty straight forward months except for the health of our dear missus. It is a stark reminder that a person's health is so important. Being sick for weeks, there was nothing she can do even if a new IPAD was lying beside her. You can have the money but without health, there is nothing you can eat or enjoy. There is no greater emphasis on personal good health, thus my great wish for 2014 will be that every of my loved ones are blessed with good health the whole year. It seemed simple , isn't it? Wait till you see your loved ones sick for days. It felt painful;more for the fact that we can't do anything but to wait in support.I hate this feeling and as such, I hope and wish that no one should go through that either.

January , hopefully will be a honeymoon month while we settle ourselves and get ready for action after Chinese New Year.

See you again, Blog.
Mr USsenal