A little about Bettas

In a pandemic, I find it a mental test one's sanity. Not only do we have to grapple with the many restrictions in place to keep us (or the economy) safe, we also have to deal with the fatigue and daily fear that has hit us since Jan 2020.

Life was already difficult to some pre pandemic and made worse with the onset of this long lasting disease. Jobs lost, businesses closed down, dreams ended up in smoke, families separated and some not even having the chance of saying goodbye. It seemed like a punishment meted out to us humans which seemed to hard to bear. But I always keep the faith that none of this is from God and although I cannot understand why this has to happen, I get that with humans around, there are always some sort of destruction happening.

Moving on to some brighter stuff, many people have since then adopted and adapted to find things to do which makes them happy and occupied. Working from home has changed the dynamics of the workplace 180 degrees and while some may embrace them due to the nature of their work, I'm not much of an agreement that work can be done in a sanctuary we call home. I can workout like the Rock at home with the same gym equipment and so, but does it beat working out at the gym  with the fellow gym mate, sweating it our and getting motivated by the commandosque training which the instructor is blaring out?
Certain things cannot be replaced with technology but this ain't a GP paper about that.

Ok, finally moving on to the brighter stuff. 

Bettas, or what people used or are still calling today: Fighting fish. I have been keeping them actively since 2002 after I sent my flowerhorn to a local show and was attracted to the bettas on display.

I was intrigued by the the different colours and forms they enjoy and kept in separate tanks each.

I remembered that I had kept 2 bettas in a honey jar when I was young and they died.

I caught on a name card Kelson Betta and wondered how beautiful his fishes were. Long story short...Mrs Ussenal and I made good friends with the owner Kelson and his shop is always the top place to visit, regardless of the fishes on sale. I have had great success with Kelson in the past when I was active in competitions and many of my top prizes were sourced from him. However, his shop always gives a serene feel and adding on the nice fishes on display, makes it a nice experience overall, be it purchasing fishes or just having window shopping.

To date, the shop has been operating for near 20 years? Long may it continue to serve the local community and encourage fish keeping among the youth so that they realise that other than games, keeping a pet fish can do so much for their studies and social growth.

 

November 2021- Autumn (if there is)

 

Here we are. November. No, this is not about any Maplestory post. I had long abandoned any remaining thought of going back to the game, period. I had great fun and end of story.

The maple leaf has long been symbolic of autumn, a sight which we will never see in Singapore. Perhaps when one day climate change hits its peak and we might be able to see autumn stuff then, not sure if from a standing position or looking up from the ground (punt definitely intended).

What's new for the past many months? Plenty , perhaps some been mentioned before in this blog or elsewhere but I do have a few stuff to share.

1. Ads on Youtube are getting out of hand -  to the point that every click will have you to watch an ad (99% of the time useless because I would be spamming my mouse to click the NEXT button and not even watching what the sh*t is showing on the screen). Toh long.. try not to push everyone to take up your premium Youtube. 

2. Still on Youtube. I like to watch comedy videos such as from Wah Banana. NOC made some news, so I thought i hadn't watch their videos for some time. Headed over and saw all sort of videos trying to be Mother Theresa to explain how they feel or trying to 

Firstly, I was shocked because other than the irritating ads, I was appalled how any Tom Dick or Harry can just make a video(poor quality/graphic presentation etc) and talk about other people's lives/gossip etc. C'mon, don't waste my time by putting yourself on a global platform just to watch your tasteless videos. If you cannot do a good video, don't do it. If you want to waste your time and love to talk, go talk to the mirror and record yourself. You can then attach your phone to the charger and play the video over again until the Iphone 200 comes out for all I care.

3. Grammarly - You have youth advertising this program. What other weapons of destruction should society suggest next so that the English standard of our youth continues to be eroded until they become a cup of iced milo of 90% ice and 10% milo? Wake up, not every digital stuff is helpful to humans.

4.  Living with a construction site just a stone's throw away - Living with noise pollution is painful.

For a few years, I have been surrounded by construction work on the BTO blocks opposite me or the toilet upgrading in the precinct. It has been endless hearing of construction work for so long.

Then few days ago came an email like the letter which Harry Potter receives from the owl (cant remember the name. Hagrid?) from NEA, reminding ME THAT I WAS INVITED TO TAKE PART IN A NOISE SURVEY BECAUSE THERE IS AN ONGOING CONSTRUCTION OPPPOSITE WHERE I STAY).  I believe I held back a lot of truth and Im sorry for lying even in the survey by pretending that I will not contact anyone even if the pollution was so bad. BECAUSE I TOLD THEM THAT WHAT IS THE POINT OF NOISE MONITORING AND SUGGESTING WHAT I WILL DO WHEN THE DAM CONSTRUCTION IS TO BE THERE ANYWAY? WHY TAKE THE SURVEY NOW AND NOT CONSULT AS PRIOR? I STILL BELIEVE IT IS A SIN TO MAKE A BTO BLOCK SO NEAR TO A MATURED ESTATE OF SEVERAL BLOCKS. ITS JUST LIKE MAKING A JENGA BLOCK IN THE MIDDLE OF A SQUARE OF JENGA BLOCKS.

5. Never say never.. - Well, in 2020 and towards the end of the year, Im sure many would have thought that well 2021 is going to be better for sure. We have been stuck, you know this Covid sh*t for so long, normalcy will resume, vaccine coming, back to soccer , ktv , Bangkok etc.

It was anything but the above, it turned out.

We are seeing average of 2 to 3k cases a day. Delta variant walloped humans one devastating blow, blowing all the plans into disarray. On this day, we are still facing tight restrictions. No dining of more than 2 pax unless from the same family sh*t, no soccer, no ktv, no unrestricted travelling, Im still working from home and losing my marbles. Did anything change? Yes, I'm vaccinated but at the same time also seeing for myself how many more are affected by the side effects. Its tiring and mentally drained to understand that the vaccine is necessary in our battle against the Cov*d enemy and yet need to brave ourselves for what comes next after taking the vaccine. 

I read with concern when MOH says the dead who die everyday from Covid has underlying conditions. Which elderly has no underlying conditions? One day I will be old too. So are all old people supposed to die from Covid? Another sick sh*t to think about.

6. I finally managed to cure fishes with internal diseases. Hopefully, that will go some way in placating those which have passed on.

7. I need more sleep.

Bye for now.

Mr Ussenal.

Happy Ten years old

 Once more, 16th July 2021 has come and past us by. In what was the tenth anniversary of this blog as well as our marriage, and of course my birthday, things were kept simple expectedly.

Covid19 has robbed us not only of our opportunity and rights as a human being, but also triggered the start of what we call as the opening of the memories book.

Things do not become a memory until the thing ceases; if not, we often look forward to re-creating the experience by re-doing the same favoured thing or re-visiting the same place again and again. Once we stopped by choice or by force, it becomes a memory.

News everyday would be the same. No. of cases in different countries, floods, disasters, murders... you name it, the world's got it. From feeling optimistic last year to feeling really despondent if planet Earth has got what it takes to walk out of this mess; and if we do, at what amount of damage are we talking about?

Covid19 has not only attacked the hosts it clings onto. It has also indirectly affected livelihoods, aspiring futures of people, weddings, employment. Businesses are wondering what is next to come and how do they go on from here. Students are tired and everyone is tired. I look at the senior folks and they are tired too. They can't travel and can only stay cooped up in their homes for long. What's next ? 

Covid19 has come out to inflict extremely mortal damage. It looks like it is never ending.

However, that is because we are in the thick midst of this tornado which just isn't about to stop yet.

When we are in the thick of it, its difficult to see what could look like from the outside. Perhaps the storm is clearing, just that we can't see from where we are. Positive thinking? Perhaps.

On a brighter note, 10 years of ups and downs and I still see it as an unpolished diamond. In life, its not just about what we do when we are happy but also what we do together when we are sad. We look forward to happy moments of course, such as going to Bangkok but also learn what is like to be able to support each other when times are bad.

Till to the next time again, blog.

Mr Ussenal

Thumbs Up, everything is going to be okay + Happy Birthday MrsUssenal!

The chime of the church bell opposite signifies the start of a new month. Today is 1st June 2021 and today is Mrs Ussenal's birthday! 

Quickly, another year has passed. It was just last year when we had the circuit breaker and again, we are having some Phase 2 heightened alert or whatever that is called.

Time is something that we all learn when we were young. I learnt it in my kindergarten and get to understand better what is time when I started to go to school. I learnt what was like to be under pressure to submit assignments at a given deadline and exam dates to follow.

The awareness of time was later further 'refined' when I got to the army. I learnt how to be ready in a minute's time for inspection and how 5 minutes can change many things in sports such as basketball and soccer.

We all pledge and sing the same song that time is precious and we must treasure time. The time we have on this planet is limited and some say that perhaps the time we have in this world has been set long time ago. However, no matter how much time God has set for anyone is perhaps short to say.

When I was young, I felt that 5 years is a long period. That mindset starts to dilute as I grew up, having more responsibilities and things taking up my time. While 5 years is still not a short period of time, I began to remember more things and easily recalling what happened ten years ago - tantamount to what I had said earlier. Is time getting shorter? No, but we become more aware and dread the days that continue to fly past us even as I now type. I look at Facebook memories and wondered where did the time go? 2017 memories which felt like they just happened months ago.

The dread of time ticking by is felt more solemnly perhaps by people who unfortunately may not have long to live. 

Recently,  Uncle Chong, or the 'siao sa' uncle of Mrs Ussenal has passed away due to cancer.

As suave as ever, Uncle Chong took it well and even arranged for his funeral to be as simple as possible and not even wanting anyone to be at his bedside if he is about to pass on. Will settled and his post death matters all done, he was housed in Assisi Hospice until his last day.

Uncle Chong had perhaps spent many days visiting Uncle Wai when Uncle Wai was also in the same hospice, and knowing that the hospice could be where he may want to rest one day. The sofa chair that he had sat on for many days while accompanying Uncle Wai had turned out to be his companion on days when families and friends were not around. 

Assisi is a serene place for patients to rest and have peace. However, for visitors, it is the most difficult place to come to. 

Every time the taxi climbs up the slope to the lobby, it is another trip where I would ask myself if this is the last I would see my love one today. It was the same for Uncle Wai, Uncle Daniel and Uncle Chong.

It was painful and heartbreaking once the loved one can no longer attend to talk to you but sleep. Because, from that moment, the D day is not far away.

Although I was not close to Uncle Chong, I looked forward to going over to Purmei on CNY eve partly because I knew I could listen to the many stories of Uncle Wai and Chong. Last year's CNY eve was the last I had heard from Uncle Chong as he was already not well leading up to this year's CNY eve.

Uncle Chong is an extremely intelligent man. He had walked the globe and seen many things. Street mart some call it. I prefer to think that he is an extremely observant person and thinks and process why. This critical type of thinking sadly is found lacking in many of our youth of today. He is able to decipher the root of things and argue with reasonable articulateness.

It was thus, difficult to watch, as week after week, he got weaker. The thumbs up was strong and good the first week. Second week, he was weaving in and out but could still carry a conversation. Just as I listened, the thumbs up came out suddenly, as if to acknowledge my presence and that my crabs and I are well. By the third week, he was sleeping and woke up when I called him. He did not say anything but went back to sleep. It was at this point that I knew that the opportunity to converse with him has passed. All we could was to just hold vigil every time we visit and talk amongst ourselves, perhaps knowing and unknowingly consoling ourselves in that manner.

A friend related to me how her daughter cried non stop when her favourite fish was found dead lying on the floor one day. I explained that to a child, the sight of seeing something dear, which was just lively and happily looking at the child the previous day but dry and dead the next can be traumatic. The child surely does not know how to process the sudden feeling of loss and helplessness and that the beautiful fish will never be able to swim for her again.

I once told a student that the death or the impending death of a loved one is the most difficult emotion to handle. It is difficult to understand, let alone to write. Will doing it (facing the death of a loved one) more often make the ride less painful each time? I don't think so. Perhaps we get more familiar with what to do in terms of the logistics. But I realize that the pain seem to get worse because I start to feel each loss more keenly than the last. It doesn't gets less painful because the knife is less blunt.. it cuts even more sharply than ever because the wound hurts the same place time and again.

Although I do not know where is Uncle Chong  now, I hope he is at peace and finally free of his ill body. Up till today, there was a rosary found with him and nobody seem to have claimed it. I muttered a simple prayer when we down to the hospice in the wee hours of the day he passed that I hope he be in good hands wherever he is and that the Lord will bring him to sit by Him.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away" (Revelation 21:4).

Ronaldo and a Special Needs Boy

 

Doooo(Sound of train door opening).

From the windowpane of the doors of the train, I saw a stout-looking young man who seemed ready for his adventure once the doors open to him.

Open! Doo doo, he grabbed the standing poles tightly with his 2 fit arms. That caught my eyes.

Tanjong Pagar Sttaaaation, he slapped on the panel directory board. He slapped again twice on the Woodlands Station.

Chikk chikkk (train moving)..

A petite lady nearby seemed to be struggling with his presence. She fidgeted, looked for some tiny space on the right, but gave up after thinking she would need to maneuver past me.

Chik chik dooo .. The youth turned over. "AH... keep clear do not lean on the doors. Dover Next!"

Doooo "Let the kids go first ah". The train moves on and he went to the panel and slapped Buona Vista. The petitie lady immediately seized on the opportune moment and slides into my right. Still, she seemed uptight, perhaps feeling claustrophobic standing beside me.

A fresh commuter came in looked behind twice at the youth, wondering who was this...

I smiled at him when he makes the sound effects, it was cool and provided a breath of light-hearted moment in what has been months of suppressed times. 

More people may be more understanding towards special needs people nowadays, may still find it hard, scary and worrisome when they are socialising with an SN person, as evidenced by the lady on the train.

When I look at them, I used to feel a bit sad and wasted for them. That, they are not able to enjoy life like ours. However, as I slowly realise, I found that they seemed special because they are enjoying themselves in their own world and by their own definitions of what they think to make them happy. How many of us even know what makes us truly happy and would go on to do that exactly?

Most of the time, we keep quiet when we see something shameful, unjust, or even in love when a doting parent showers love but most of us just rather choose to shy away.

The youth displayed true happiness on the train today, happy at slapping the directory panel, making sound effects, playing the train warden, and even knowing how to apologising when he knew he had accidentally blocked the way of 2 elderly folks. He knows the extent his fun should go to and how many of us can do that? Aren't the normal us always capable of doing something disastrous always in the name of fun?

This week is the week of SPED(Special Education), Autism, Dyslexia, and ADHD awareness. Perhaps as the world starts to live life fuller and more meaningful post covid, it would be meaningful to understand better what is inclusiveness all about.

"Bukit Batok" Ok AH, let the kids go first ah!.. chik chik chik..

Ronaldo is after all only a normal person, isn't he?

Amazing Grace- We will meet again, Uncle Daniel

 

Today marks the day that Uncle Daniel was put to rest.

It was only less than 2 months ago that Uncle Richard had left us to meet the Lord. Whilst everyone was still coming to terms of the sudden passing of Uncle Richard, there was no doubt that the family knew it couldn't avoid; the critical situation regarding Uncle Daniel and what may follow up next.

Uncle Daniel was diagnosed with cancer on or around May 2020 after having issues with his mouth for some time. As no radiotherapy or chemotherapy was taken, Uncle Daniel's health deteriorated swiftly and he had to adhere to a liquid diet months ago when he could no longer swallow anything solid.

Uncle Daniel was a great cook and a person who loved to eat. He was also a great bass singer in Church and a person who could easily 'cover' the singing duties of 1 - 2 more choir members should they be absent. I had a few uncles and aunties in the church choir of Glory Presbyterian Church and when I visited the Church in the past, I would always stick my neck out to look out for my uncles and aunties and feel so proud of them. I would always lookout for Uncle Daniel and followed by Auntie Helen. Uncle Daniel was chubby and it was easy to spot him; but just listening to his voice, you could single out where he was too.

When I was young, I, unlike my other cousins who had studied at Nanyang Primary School, did not stay at my grandparents' house. I would only visit during the Sundays and the occasional Saturdays. I was not a very strong kid when it comes to staying overnight at other people's house and I was easily homesick.

Together with my cousins, we still had a lot of fun and naughty times with some of my uncles. One of them was Uncle Daniel. I remembered that in the Primary 2 English textbook, there were 2 characters, Millie and Mollie. Millie was the skinny girl and Mollie the plump one. As kids, we easily and rather mischievously, would call Uncle Daniel Mollie as he would chased us off his bed when we were jumping around in his room or playing his computer secretly. The incoming swarm of his arm was never threatening but still once the arm raises to the 45 degrees, we would run for our lives and sneak around only to try to provoke him when he seemed to have abandoned the mission of skinning us alive.

I remembered when I was maybe 13, there was an opportunity to stay at the Shangri-La hotel in Sentosa. If not wrong, i remembered it was Uncle Daniel and Auntie Juliet who brought us there. it was fun and we had a nice time drinking a nice glass of orange juice in some lounge and enjoying the waterfall at our balcony.

On a more recent time, I spoke with Uncle Daniel at length at a Christmas party organised by my brother at his condo. We talked about some insurance plans and the need to always have spare cash at hand and back up plans for the future.

Individually, I do not regret that I and Uncle Daniel did not spend more time together or have more memories to remember of. That is because I know that the rest of my family are always in receipt of his selfless love. 

The past few days of service at his funeral have made me realised fully what an influential member of the family he was to nearly everyone in my family. He was close to my late grandparents and was also close to several of my family members, whom he had impacted in one way or another over the years. I would hear of so many stories of him being selfless and always  willing to serve and take care of his loved ones. He would dabao not 1 or 2 but 10 packets of the buns or snacks every time he visits us or meet up with my parents. 

I also learnt how he would make breakfast daily for my cousin Nicholas when he was schooling at Nanyang and how he would be the nanny dad to my cousins Justina and Jason when my auntie Joanna and Uncle David Tan was away in Hong Kong and Malaysia. Or how he would always be the first to fetch my 3rd Uncle to and fro whenever he returns from Beijing. The mee siam and belanchan chilli he makes... The testimonies from my family were impactful and powerful. They were also difficult as every testimony was stuffed with tears and emotion threatening to choke the speaker; but yet, with such earnest yearning to speak out what has been in their hearts for so long. It was at times similarly difficult to watch but yet full support of the family was flat out.

Over the past 2 months, everyone took turns to visit Uncle Daniel after he was admitted to hospital and the hospices. One big disadvantage the current safety measures dealt us was our number. Our family easily amounted up to 30+ adults excluding the little ones. We had to deal with registration, take turns to rotate and then share what were the eventful things we experience with Uncle Daniel or things to take note for the next visitor.

On a few critical occasions, we nearly lost Uncle Daniel too when he was bleeding non stop from his mouth. It then became apparent that his situation was transient; after we learnt that he would either die if his bleeding doesn't stop or when it bleeds and chokes him such that he will not be able to breathe. Both ways were painful and definitely not acceptable. Everyone of us continued to pray that his situation will improve.

In January, his condition improved after the bleeding seemed to have stopped to a once-per day thing. He was able to converse with us and asked questions and for a while I thought hey, the man's back. At that moment, I thought that perhaps he would still do well for longer but deep down i wondered for how long as he was not receiving the chemo etc. treatment a  cancer patient would be taking.

Fast forward 2 weeks from the last visit, his condition started to deteriorate and his morphine intake started to increase as the pain was getting difficult to be overpowering. 

On Chinese New Year Eve, at his wish, some family members took Uncle Daniel out to the beach and then to Auntie Joanna's home for a reunion lunch. It was heart warming to watch the cheers and smiles so gradient around him.

However, when Uncle Daniel was brought back to the hospice, he was weak and very tired. The next day when I was still tired after having a long night at Purmei for the reunion dinner, we received news that Uncle Daniel was critical and that family members should come down for a last look.

The sight of the entire family taking queue to go up to see him for the last time was torturous. It was saddening to see Uncle Daniel breathing through his mouth and weaving in and out of consciousness. Just within minutes of the family leaving to go home and await further news, news came that situation had turned critical and doctors advised for a couple of family members to stay behind.

At around midnight that same day, Uncle Daniel passed away.

The struggle of deciding if to fight the cancer or to let nature take its course is real. Do cancer patients fight their very best just that their family can see them alive and be spared the agony of losing them? Until when? What if the battle is long drawn and the family continues to struggle physically and mentally with the patient? Or what if the cancer is a recurrence? What does the patient decides this time round?

Uncle Daniel's decision was to entrust everything to the Lord. If there is a miracle, then he be saved. If his time has come, he will take it then. Like Uncle Richard, this was a personal choice and we do not have a right to decide for them. What was most important that the family is supportive and clearly, the family has supported him all the way to the end.

The road down Mandai has become more familiar as we age. This is a fact that we all cannot run away from as part of our growing up process. We have had fun and and with age comes the other side of growing old. Time is never on our side and with every ticking minute, time is lost.

The past few days have not been easy. It was difficult for my senior aunties and uncles whom are already getting on in age. I pray for them every single day that all my senior folk are always healthy and happy. Be what may be bothering them, i pray that the Lord listens to their hearts and keep them always safe and in a body healthy and fit as an eagle every day.

if Uncle Richard's sudden passing was cruel, perhaps the Lord gave us more time to be prepared for Uncle Daniel's impeding departure. The Lord's amazing grace is sufficient for everyone and the song Amazing Grace has always been the top Christian song which tug at heart strings so well. I'm sure that this cannot be written by a human. The theme music must have been composed by God himself.

The above rendition was played at the funeral service and while the old and traditional one is good, this is equally amazing.

I was told that when we meet in Heaven again, we will remember who we were although the relationship such as that of an uncle-nephew, husband-wife would cease. I do not quite understand that now. How nice wouldn't it be to continue the relationship with that of our parents or even grandparents in Heaven? 

I miss my Grandfather a lot and I always wondered what a fool I was at his hospital bed before he was about to go for his operation. I remembered i was still a bit shy to talk to him after ignoring him at his house after he had knocked his hands into my nose while preparing a cup of honey drink for me. I didn't know that he was going for an operation, an operation which he never woke up from. He taught us a few things and he hand written a Psalm 23(his favourite psalm) for our Xmas recitation of the Bible verses, as part of a performance we would do for our guests which also include a sketch and a piano piece play. I was often like a little lost lamb when I was young and did not keep that note properly.

It was such a long time since my Grandfather's passing that I had seen such an outpouring of grief from my aunties and uncles. It was heart wrenching when you consider that Uncle Richard had only just passed away 2 months ago and that the family had to walk to Mandai 2 times in 2 months.

Quickly we are already at the middle of February 2021. Hopefully there will be more good news for the family and for everyone to celebrate. The see saw has got to go up after it's down so that it moves, isn't it?

Mr Ussenal