When I look into your eyes

It’s a Monday! Most people get blues on this day and while it was indeed terrible during the NS days, I have learnt how to cope with the start of the week. I had little choice; away from your loved ones, you could only pin your happiness by looking forward to the weekends.

Most of the time I do not want to start counting on Mondays as they were premature. Normally when it comes to Tues night, it becomes a bit more easier. Once Wednesday starts, you just have to tell yourself shit is about to end by time u sleep as it will be Thursday then. When Thursday starts, you are pumped up and ready to go as you know by the time the dust settles in on Thursday evening, your weekend is here.

Though said, it is still important to try and have a relaxed mood walking in to the office on Mondays. I normally start by playing a nice piece of music. It could be a piano piece  or a sentimental rock ballad. I am a sentimental crab, so I often like to play songs that allows me to reminisce a little bit while I sip my coffee before the work day starts.

I remember that when I was in Secondary 1 and 2, I listened to many English songs; albeit an influence from my peers where the radio was often on and blank cassette tapes always on standby to record the nice ones on air. It seemed like a fashion to do so and I would listen long and start to know many songs thereon.

The song I have chosen to share is ‘When I look into your eyes’. It is a rock ballad and a wonderful one to hear. The lyrics are meaningful and it reminds me of my time when I was a secondary school student. This song was popular then and I remembered hearing it at one of my BBQ sessions which my classmates had organized. Talk a walk along East Coast these days and it’s a surprise that you don’t see any radio at all. It’s a shame as everyone is either busy talking, eating or playing with their handphones. Once, more, the cons of globlalizing that thing. Back then, we had no such gadget. A pager if you are fortunate, that’s all.

When I Look Into Your Eyes"

I see forever when I look in your eyes
You're all I've ever wanted
I always want you to be mine
Let's make a promise to the end of time
We'll always be together
And our love will never die

So here we are face to face and heart to heart
I want you to know we will never be apart
Now I believe that wishes can come true
'Cause when I see my whole world
I see only you

[Chorus]
When I look into your eyes
I can see how much I love you
And it makes me realize
When I look into your eyes
I see all my dreams come true
When I look into your eyes

I've looked for you all of my life
Now that I've found you
We will never say good-bye
Can't stop this feelin'
And there's nothing I can do
'Cause I see everything
When I look at you

Beautiful lyrics. Simple and yet it hit direct to the point. In fact, that’s all you ever need to relay to your darling. The eyes are the smallest organ but yet transmit several feelings through it. It is also the most attractive part which in other classic tales of the Arabian Nights, had enchanted princes and princesses alike.

It’s as simple to tell your loved one that you know every thing and they have got your back no matter how. Sometimes in life, it makes a lot of difference

15 February

People always say that words are forgotten but moments remembered. When moments are forgotten, it takes words to remember moments. Contradictory?

I had always waited for moments when I had inspiration or important live events before I would take to the keyboard. However, since young, I have had a penchant to write what I feel. It was then indeed unfortunate that in primary school, my very own colour group pry opened my diary and divulged all the secrets inside. Not only did it cost me enormous embarrassment, but it also cost the friendship of a girl whom I liked back then. She avoided me like the plague and we never really spoke to each other since then.

I have had always an interest to read autobiographies and life blogs of people. It interests me to try and find out what do people feel and what were their thinking and feelings at the point when they publish a post or picture. What are they trying to imply and what was going on in their lives on the days of posting? Were they in a bad mood and if so, why are they still writing in their blog? Do they , like me in the past, turn to writing because there is no one else who understands them? It looks funny, but when you write, you are consoling yourself, teaching yourself what you feel and what you need.

When I was eating the curry fish head that my mum had left for me after a tiring day of soccer, I had many feelings which ran over me as I start to plan the what I want to write in my head. Not really the fish, but maybe after a good workout had enabled my sweat glands to flush out all the toxins, enabling a clear passage for my mind to think.

When I read blogs by Christine (aka Ms Xtin Lim, Mrs Ussenal's bestie and her friend Kopi Soh, I learn different things from both of them. Besides marvelling at the beautiful layout of Christine's blog, entries were filled with many thoughts of the past , encompassing happiness, sadness, anxiety and hope for the road ahead. Does anyone still think that writing is a piece of cake and lousy skill you can pick up if you do not learn the basics when young?

Today is also the Total Defence Day, a day where I have had often felt strongly and patriotic as 6.25pm was the time the Brits surrendered to Japanese forces in 1945, marking the start of an extremely difficult occupation period of 3 and 1/2 years of barbaric torture.

In today's world, more and more questions are being asked by our younger generation. Some begin to ask if Singapore is still worth defending now since there are so many foreigners and nobody knows any longer who we are defending for now. I used to think that no, no matter who is there we must fight to the end as if we sit and hide, sooner or later our families will be harmed and die too. If I can help to take down 1 enemy, isn't it worth already?

However, as time passes by,  views and principles change. I asked myself the same questions again and find my answer had changed. If there is war today confronting Singapore, I will fight the war still. It is not who I am defending, but it is a responsibility that has been passed down by the pioneers who had shed  their lives, gave up their families and loved ones so that the next generation can be free of the enemies. So we are not protecting our loved ones only, we are protecting a legacy which the early pioneers of Singapore had toiled so hard for. Even if the PRs are not going to protect Singapore in a war, so be it. Question is: Do we Singaporeans do our part then, when war comes?

It is a hard question ,albeit like the hardest debate of Euthanasia. Do the patient, who has suffered day and night, has a right to end his own life? Do the loved ones keep their sick alive just to satisfy their own fear of losing them, at the cost of the suffering? Is it right or is it wrong? Or should the sick ones continue to live on despite immense pain? This is something that will never be answered correctly till the day I ask Jesus.

As my fish was finishing, I began to have a clearer thought. I was in two minds over my earlier question. However I realised that my whole SAF training life was not only built around myself but also my platoon mates and of course, my bunk mates Lao A , Jiawei and Sunny. We have been trained for 12 years for war, aint we? If my buddies are going to war, there is no way I can sit on the sofa and await unfortunate news. It is a correct decision that I think even if I am recalled one day in my 60s, I will still standby this decision. It can't change and it will never change.

A bit too heavy stuff for a Monday? Perhaps. Monday Blues. Anyway, its Tuesday already folks.

Mr Ussenal.

Pre Chinese New Year

It has been some time that an update was given here. While there have been plenty that had happened and appropriate thanksgiving be given for all the good and even not so good, I write now in the disguise amongst my work; half an hour to go before we go for the mighty long Chinese New Year break.

It is nice and challenging to try and update a blog during office hours… but well most of the CBD core should have already gone home or perhaps chewing on some ba kua as I am writing. It is again the so called ‘busy for many days but used on 2 days’ CNY.

It’s an occasion that everyone loved. Chinese for obvious reasons and also where my malay and Indian friends take the chance to have a good break. It has been fortunate that the CNY period has coincided with the weekend. More time to meet friends and relatives.

As a kid, I loved CNY, especially when I can meet all my cousins and watch my uncles and aunties have endless hours of fun. Its one thing to have fun and another to observe others having fun. It is a splendid feeling and sadly, it goes away that wee bit when you start to grow. However, it is still a busy and happy period where you can’t help not to feel happy even if things aren’t very rosy nor have a thick pocket. Perhaps it is a good opportunity to look forward to anything positive that could grow on in a blue world we live in. It could be a good break for some, a good chance to get together for some who live apart and also maybe an opportunity for couples to spend quality time together at the zoo!

Stay tuned for the next few days where loads of nice food and pictures of fun will be uploaded.

Mr Ussenal

Anniversary and coming of Arsenal

It has been a week of play , anticipation and celebration. It was a week where I had a futsal game on turf, ktv session, buffet meal and no tuition class in midweek. Couple that with a long weekend , wedding anniversary, birthday and most of all, the coming of Arsenal into Singapore!

Am I dreaming? In fact i had a bad nightmare on one of the nights. But well, it aint anything to mention about when you can have the above all in a week.

This week was always going to be special anyway; the 4th wedding anniversary of us and my own birthday and Arsenal, who had touched down on Singapore on Monday and has also just left Singapore , back for London immediately after the game held at the Sports Hub.

Not to be boastful, but I have always felt that Arsenal would visit Singapore when our stadium is ready. If they can visit even Malaysia whose old and broken Bukit Jalil stadium is, they have no reason not to visit Singapore where we have a state of the art stadium and tip top cleanliness to follow.

Months of anticipation had ended finally today. Even till now, hours since they last kicked the ball in Singapore, I cannot fathom or digest that they are finally here and I have seen for myself their play in Singpapore. How much it would take me to reach London to watch them i do not know. I have just seen my favourite soccer team, the club which i have gone through thick and thin for the past decades.

Very quickly, 4 months have passed by. While there have been bad times, this week has indeed been a great week. It was also nice to have been back to Novotel Hotel where we had our dinner.

4 years ago, we had hardly anytime to eat during our wedding, I remember. Likewise, back then that week was also a week of anticipation and excitement. This year, I was expecting another thing; Arsenal , together with Everton and Stoke were to play in Singapore. Thankfully, both game days did not fall on my birthday (also aka anniversary day). 

It was funny watching so many Arsenal fans who wore jerseys come together as one in the stadium. Be it bandwagon fans or real fans who have been waiting for so long to see them in the flesh, it was day for fans to behold. Maybe they were after all secret fans of Arsenal who had held shy in fear of being ridiculed by other peers as Arsenal struggled in the past. Being Fa Cup champions for 2 years in a row had perhaps changed some of them to be more daring in their profession of love for the club.

I did not leave the stadium immediately after the game. I sat for a while to let everything that has happened for this week to sink in. There were great memories from 4 years ago and I am glad to be able to add in more beautiful ones 4 years later. Arsenal to coincide with the anniversary of the Ussenal Couple. 

I do not know how else to really express how i feel right now. Perhaps you can look at the pictures and imagine. Perhaps you have had similar great days like mine. I hope to be able to experience them again.

 

Tomorrow will be the last day of mourning for Mr Lee Kuan Yew and end at the Mandai Crematorium. Attending funerals of relatives or friends' loved ones always require a somber mood. No matter how close the relation, attending a funeral requires the attendee to at least be emphatic of the loved ones in mourning, understanding the pain and grief of loss. No matter how visionary, philosophical or tough one can be, when it comes to a loss of a loved one, no one can prevent the pain(loss of a loved one) from being felt.

I felt that as one grew older, I began to be more aware of things which might happen in the years to come. I dread writing this, but every time I see someone dying on tv, i feel sad. I can feel almost emphatically with the character and wonder on my own. Eyes will start to get wet and I would often tell myself that ok, its only a thought. However, with a heavy heart, I pushed that thought away, knowing that there is no point thinking about it. There will be a day and time then.

Tomorrow will be Mr Lee's final day before he moves on from Singapore. The past few days have seen so many sights of which the country has never experienced before. Everyone helping one another at the Padang, volunteers and the police and army.. It united Singapore. For the past ten years, the country has ever been so divided on the national issues at hand. I sincerly hope that this over whelming sight of Singaporeans, foreigners, ex workers who used to work in Singapore, coming together and mourn, will invoke something in the current leaders of Singapore. Such unity did not come by as luck. It was painstakingly built over the years by the old guards of Singapore. Everyone worked hard so that the country can progress. The nation's succes did not come by luck. Our good relations with other countries did not come by luck. If the current leaders take for granted, it could all be lost so easily and could take a long time before any repairable damage could be rectified. If there are , anyway.

After deliberating for a couple of days whether to attend in person , to make a trip down to the Parliament House to pay the last respects to Mr Lee, I finally decided to make the trip. I knew it would be a long wait. 8 hrs, media reported. I had been thinking, can i withstand the long hours? I had not called anyone to go with me nor anyone called me to go with them. I was tired after a day's work. I had no time off to go earlier. I had also tendered my resignation yesterday and it would seemed a farce to pull an'urgent' leave sort of thing.

At 5pm, i decided this was it. I will just grit my teeth and go down immediately after work. No dinner , never mind. I thought i could grab some biscuits which i knew there will be volunteers giving out. I felt all i need was a bottle of water and good to go. I have never stood or queued for anything more than 1 hour. Often in food courts, i avoided the stall with the long queue. To me, food is just a necessary ingredient to satisfy my body' needs. I just need to feel full so i have the energy.

When I reached the Padang, swarms of people were at the tents. Sometimes, even after watching TV, news for many days, it really shot you in the mind when you see it live. It finally drove in the fact that Mr Lee has indeed gone. A household name for so many years since the day I can remember and the day I can understand what are words. He has passed on. After the end of tomorrow's events, the Nation will do well to remember everything he has done and everything the people have done , such as tributes or gestures , should not be forgotten as well. This is not another Hello Kitty afterall.

When I look at Mr Lee, I felt like he was my grandpa whom I lost when i was only 8 years old. Thus, when there were many times i felt like giving up during the queue or cutting queue, i reminded myself that not only should i accord the highest respect to Mr Lee as a founding father of modern Singapore, I should also treat him like how I would towards my beloved grandpa. I was hungry and although there were times I wanted to reach out for the banana or apple, my hand withdrew when I knew there were many others behind me who want that source of energy as well. I couldn't wait to eat dinner because I only want to get down asap. Did Mr Lee have to eat dinner or make himself full before he discuss state affairs? No, that im very sure of. While others tried to make themselves as comfortable during the queue, i felt there was not a single need to. Not that I am self suffering, nor to prove a point, but I felt all i wanted to do was to pay my respects. All I had to do was to wait in queue. The rest are not in my opinion, necessary.  There were times my back felt like breaking and by the third hour i was already drained. I don't even feel the energy to read to spend the time. I had no strength left.

At the end of the queue, finally after 7 hours standing. and walking several distances, I finally managed to pay my last respects to Mr Lee. Eternally grateful to whatever he has done, i wrote on my tribute card. I was not old enough back then to experience him more but i am grateful for the chance to say thanks to him for his effort and sacrifices for the nation. I thought I was glad to have persevere and that convinced myself that I do have thr traits after all as a hard working Singaporean who can be called upon when needed. That experience will serve me well, that memory will stay with me forever, not that of queuing at the Padang, but the whole experience of mourning for a beloved countryman.

Tribute To Mr Lee Kuan Yew

It has not been an easy few days for the past week, especially when the founding father of Singapore has just passed away and adding on, a tiff with the missus days prior.

Singapore has also just entered into a mourning state, with all flags at half mast. TV and media, have been filled with speeches of past and also interviews with people whom have worked with him, including his family such as Mr Lee Hsien Loong and even Mr Lee Kuan Yew's brother. It was very important, as such interviews and even speeches of the past gives an insight into what Mr Lee had felt then. This is something not even memoirs can express. After all, they are just words imprinted onto paper. A book is but made of paper after all.

In my life of 36 years  ,I have grown up always feeling proud whenever Lee Kuan Yew is shown in papers greeting the leaders of USA or China.I always felt and know that he was different; a leader whom people listen when he speaks, regardless of place and demographic. Condolences from various countries have proved to be so.There was nothing he couldn't fix I always felt. I knew we were a small country, and while more bigger concerns then were about play and play, I felt proud of my countrymen and everything Singapore. As i started to grow, i began to know who Goh Chok Tong was, and other prominent ministers.

A big fact that has been debated and even more recently. Does Mr Lee Kuan Yew deserve all these accolades? Was Singapore's success not the fruit of other hardworking ministers? Yes, there were others who worked hard and often sacrificing their own without people even knowing. There were unsung heroes then and there are still now. However, as I read and see through many different excerpts of Mr Lee's speeches, I began to know more about the brilliant man and understood better of why he was special.

There are many types of leaders. There are those who are solo kings and do all and expect the rest to follow. They are normally one man show type. There are another type which cares for their people and tries to do a lot of things for the people. When things don't work out and came defeated, they realise that they cant do anything but to share the pain and die together with the people. They feel this is what a good leader should do.

Yes I agree.

However, Mr Lee is not only a good leader. He is the best that Singapore has have and will have for a long time. Does he accept that should Singapore fail, he will die and perish with the people? No, he did not accept for one second that Singapore can fail. To him, Singapore must never fail. Has it ever struck you how much determination that means? If i am a teacher and i take a class of  academically poor students, how determined can I be that all my class will pass with flying colours? Probably 10/40 will be a good gauge. However, Mr Lee was aware of the perils Singapore faced early and did he accept second best? No. He was very aware of what could happen as he travels often overseas and were always on the lookout of ways to improve the country when he returns. Look at the tenacity of his speeches. He was speaking not to only convince voters, but to impress upon the people that what he has said was true and should listen. He was not speaking with a heck care attitude and he speaks with a sincerity that he wants people to listen because he knows that he will not be around to see Singapore for the next fifty years. Eventually not only the ministers he must train but also the people. He had faith in the people, he saw that we had the grit and determination. Singapore is the only country that empties the waster 365 days.

To me, there were also big Singapore figures who had made a difference to Singapore. But let me ask you, who else than Lee Kuan Yew took on the mantle and put the responsibility of Singapore's survival on his shoulders alone? Did Goh Keng Swee came out and said leave Singapore to me? No other leader took on that but Mr Lee Kuan Yew. He believed. Was he afraid, yes perhaps. Perhaps that drove him to heights where he realised that there were ways out but it depends on the whole country working together.

There was this famous speech he gave during an election rally.

"Whoever governs Singapore must have that iron in him. Or give it up. This is not a game of cards. This is your life and mine. I've spent a whole lifetime building this and as long as I'm in charge, nobody is going to knock it down," Lee Kuan Yew said emphatically during an election campaign rally speech at Raffles Place in 1980.

The part of the speech was made in reference to the strike by the SIA pilots back then. He took on the pilots head on and eventually the pilots knew they were going to lose.

Today a colleague shared with me how she felt towards Lee Kuan Yew's passing. As she as a malaysian she didnt feel anything but agreed though that Mr Lee was a great man. I could only tell myself and felt so grateful that I have a great Singapore leader whom many will take pains even just to pay their last respects. How many of such leaders who can command such respect over the causeway?None, that I know of anyway.

There are so many stories, quotes of Mr Lee that i have lost count. His legacy will live on , truly and perhaps every countryman can learn from him. We always like to compare and feel how great we will be if we have half of this pretty face , half of that richness. If only there is one more , just one like Lee Kuan Yew. Singapore will surely live onto another few more decades of prosperity. But let's be thankful. God put him amongst us, a poor country with 0 resources to lead us.  Mr Lee supposedly practices agnosticism i felt that he must have experienced God somewhere.

I have never experienced such happenings in Singapore nor will the country see this again. Definitely not in my lifetime. Tens of thousands queue in the hot sun for hours just to see Mr Lee for the last time, albiet from a distance.Everyone felt the need to pay the last respects, give thanks for a lifetime of effort and tears behind the scenes whom we are all always taking granted for but often took little notice of.

I have not had the chance to see him before nor shook his hands when he was alive. I guess many who had gone down to the Parliament House to pay their last respects also felt the same. How many people in the world can say that I have gave thanks and paid my last respects to the founder of my country? Not even Americans can do that today...

Children in the future will get to know of him, watch his videos and will know what he has done so that today I can still write on this laptop. Just like the ones who perished in the war in the past so today we can have freedom, much credit must be given to Mr Lee's vision and his determination for Singapore to succeed.

Soon it will be Sunday when Mr Lee will get cremated in a private session. Shopping centres and even all betting outlets will be closed as a mark of respect. I guess life will move on as usual thereafter but lessons learnt should never be forgotten. I suppose this year's National Day Parade will be special. Mr Lee never misses one. But this will be the first time Singapore misses him in one.

Something i learnt this week: When we were born, we cried and the whole world rejoiced. Live your life in such a way that when you die the whole world cries and you rejoice.

His work and institution will live on.

Thank you Mr Lee Kuan Yew.

Gong Hei Fatt Choi 2015

It's the FIRST day of the year of Goat 2015.

Thankful that I am able and healthy to be able to celebrate this CNY with my beloved ones. So many things had happened last year, my unexpected hospitalization, my health, closing of SBWSCC but with God's grace, everything is over and a new year has started.

This year CNY means a lot to me. Following my unexpected hospitalization last year, I ve began to treasure my every minutes and seconds being with my Woosters and Chuasters.  At times, just felt that there are so much that I wanna do but too little time. I just hope that time could just stop and suspend for a while, for me to hold on to my lovely moments spent with my loved ones. How nice would that be!

This year CNY is on the 19th of February 2015 and as usual, we have arranged for a Chuasters Reunion Dinner on the eve of CNY. Due to unexpected arrangements from Chua's family, our own nuclear reunion has to be postponed to another date instead. Usual spot - Westlake Restaurant owned by our Chua's aunt. Hence, in-order to avoid eating same menu on the same day, Chuasters Reunion will be changed to 初一instead @Chua's Villa. However, we had our little mini Chua's Villa Reunion Lunchie @ Swensens Westmall. Just US & our beloved Director & Madam. Their usual menu items like lamb chop, Grilled Fish, Baked Chicken Rice & end off with a gigantic Earthquake that shook the happiness in our hearts, to the core bursting with joy.

The night follows with the duazhong Woosters Reunion Dinner @ Woo's Mansion. As Director and Madam are going to the Chua's Family Reunion Dinner @ Westlake, Mr USsenal & I then decided to head back to Woosters then. This is the 摊that I won't give it a miss for sure. It's definitely not the food but the fabulous companionship that follows. My Mummy not only cooks these days but really good at it. She single-handedly cooked 10dishes for our dinners and all dishes tasted fabulous. To think that she is someone who hates to cook last time. Love you Mummy Woo and thank you for everything. I am also thankful that Mr USsenal is always accommodating and never fails to be with me, back at Woo's Mansion on every CNY. This year, he was even given an extra angpow for washing the dishes. WowWwww... Chin oh tan sia! Hehe.

Chuasters 初一 Lunchie @ Chua's Villa. Thankful to see that my niece & nephew have both grown up so much over the years. My niece even shares my same passion for nail arts. Spent our quality bonding time together doing up her nails. Thanks to Madam for the lovely lunch. Thankful to have my BIL & SIL over as well. Well we are just a small nuclear family out of the big big Chua's Family. I loved the way our Chuasters are. Happy times indeed flies by quickly.

Especially during festive season, I really missed Uncle Hon & Aunt Trish heaps but knowing that they too have their reunion dinner @ Sarah's house somehow comforts me that they are well taken care of. I really look forward to the day that we be able to Lou Hei together again, just like before. Saw their lovely FB update and their CNY celebration is not too bad too. Cheers my beloved Uncle Hon & lovely Aunt Trish.

Before I end off my blog, I would like to 'secretly' thank my 阿佬 for always taking such considerate care of me. From the daily housekeeping at home to helping with the dishes @ Woosters, he would never grumble or complain. This year CNY joke is I am the remote controller, even my pampered little sis and Daddy would be 'controlled' by me remotely. That just shows how much my family members love me. Hahah

My dear 阿佬, thank you for not only loving and pampering me but also my Woosters family. *muacks* to a great 2015.

What is life?

What is Life?

It is perhaps one of the shortest words ever but yet the word to mean the start of a being's time on Earth till the end of it.

When i was young, there was a period of time I kept asking myself who am I and what am I? What am I doing here? I understand life at that moment but could not further fathom why then do we need to go through so much hardship just to enjoy the good of it? I could not get to peace with myself until one day I heard my teacher in church explaining that there are always times we do not understand God's reasoning just like small insects like ants understanding us human. Its beyond us and no matter how we try , we will never understand why for certain things when we use our understanding to try and use it on God. We are not God and we will never understand , perhaps until the day we meet him again. For that, it managed to put me in peace for a while.

Our time on Earth is indeed short and time flies so fast.There are some stuff that do not wait for us. Can you still play soccer when you are 60 years old? The game you loved since a kid , it doesnt go away with age. No matter how humans age, the inside never change. Its only the shell that change. We love it when we were 10 we love it when we are 60. However, how many team mates will still be around then? Coupled with long working hours and heavy family commitments, gatherings like kickabouts have such an unpredictability that nobody knows exactly when it ends. When we go ktv, we always want to snatch the mic and be the one to sing most of the songs. When we take a step back to ponder: How often do we get to listen to our friend's voices compared to our own? Will I still get to hear my good friends belt out their favourite songs as often as before as time passes?

Today I was out trying to find one of my evil boss's facebook profile and see if it can be found. As it was not the first time trying to track her,  I was not too disappointed as there weren't any success before.However, tonight ,coupled with some keyboard malfunctioning, i clicked onto a total stranger from Africa with about half the same name of who i was trying to find.

I started to browse the individual and very soon realised that the person has passed away a couple of months back. There were sad posts on the facebook wall and I started to browse further. The person was a young lady and it looked like she was sick for only a short while before she passed on. I read further and realised that she was a God loving person and was simple and cheerful most of the time. It's a bit unusual to take that there were original posts from the person just half the page below and on top were all posts written by her dear friends who missed her since. Did she had any regrets? Did she manage to fufil what she want to do most?

Life is uncertain. Today, a beggar may end up being the richest man on earth one day. Vice versa, a rich man today may be tomorrow's bankrupt.  What is most important that we live to the fullest such that when we turn back, we wont regret.

I once read a book and there was an interesting quote.

Two friends walked past a beggar on the street . One of them was kind and gave him $20. They walked on and the same man then saw a pregnant lady with a child and helped them load up a taxi. Following on, they then encountered an old lady who was carrying heavy carton boxes. The helpful one again lent his hand to the old lady and perspired all over by the time he had finished helping the old lady. The friend asked the man: " Why are you so helpful? THere are so many people out there who need help. You can't possibly help then all?"

The man replied:" Yes, i can't possibly help all. However, I shall only pass by this way once. Any good that I can do or any kindness i can show to any human being;let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect; for I shall not pass this way again.

Well, this story is not to teach us to lie on the road and let every one flatten us. But sometimes we go on our lives too quickly to take enough notice on these little things which are actually meaningful.

Remember, a life is only a word and its always in singular. We dont live twice.

Good night.

How September has ended since the time I last updated!

The missus's condition began to deteriorate and there were hardly peaceful nights in the family.  One night , as I began to massgae her bloated legs, tears began to run down for a short while as I was finding it hard to accept that a healthy person has become a weak and fallen picture, lying down and unable to do anything. However, underneath all that heavy tirade of sadness, hope was felt and have to be felt.

In my 35 years, I have experienced my walks with the Lord. Other than praying hard and going to the doctors, I was getting clueless and the situation was getting tough when Karen began to cough out blood. Eventually she was admitted to the A& E at NUH and an agonizing wait of 10 hours before she was warded for another ten days. Diagnosis showed that hear heart was weak and she had a blood clot in the lung as well. Cognitive heart failure. It came as a shock , but it soon made sense to why she have had the symptoms and for a long time, we thought it was reflux. We were wrong! I prayed so hard to the Lord that she be cured only for the reflux, and i would not want anything else. However, the Lord surely had plans to heal her completely. Doctors said she has no reflux problem and I was baffled and even want to question the doctors initially why no mention was made at all. But I was still too taken aback by the lung and heart new problems.

Over the first day, she lost nearly 7 kg of water! The next few days, she made good progress and was finally allowed to be discharged after ten days in NUH. Nearly all the symptoms except for some coughing had gone. Praise the Lord! In the difficult times, it was always easy to blame God , but similarily, I hope anyone reading this or happen to come across this blog should know it is also easy to let Jesus take over it all. Recently Christianity has taken some whacking with the City Harvest case, and etc. However, do always remember that times may have changed, world changes, technology changes, people's mindset changes.. but Jesus never changed at all. From the time he walked this Earth till now, He has always been the same.

Its 66 days to Christmas as we speak. For a long time , since we had celebrated some ringing bells. All that had happened to Karen had made me realise many things and what was really worth living for. Not saying that it was a good thing that happened, but it would serve well to know so that we learn well.

Pen off for now, at the stroke of 12am. Good night fellows!

Father. There are no perfect fathers in the world, but yet there are fathers who loved perfectly.

I came upon this very touching videoin the afternoon and felt many different types of emotions and as well as memories and thoughts which I would like to share.

Father, a role whom many perceive to be more of a supporting cast in a dual parenting than the main nowadays. While looking at some comments laid down in the youtube video,  I was primarily disgusted at how some could take this educational video to condemn other fathers who have not conducted themselves as one. There is always time to mud sling, but why at every opportunity to do so? It took me about a min before i realise also that comments given by our locals are very biaised and more often than not, are just given by trigger happy commuters who are probably eating their fries as they post. Zero thoughts given, what a waste of the human brain. Sometimes we are tempted to join and condemn the latest commuter who had not given up the seat to an elderly. Think again ,perhaps the commuter had a bad day with his knees or body. Why be so quick to condemn?

Anyway, back to the topic above. A father to me, represents a very big part in every child's life. Be it whether he gets to play a pivotal role in the child as he grows, nobody will know. However one can't deny that the role is there to for him to play.

As the younger of 2 sons, I would say that my father has been more patient with me than my brother. Perhaps when my brother was borned, my father was very young and only 23-24 years old. He was inexperienced and he had governed with a hard hand and was always not afraid to shell out caning to my elder brother. Most of my younger childhood was more fortunate. I was always spared and i fondly remembered my father buying the set of japanese super hero toys for me at OG. If my current set had a few broken arms and deemed 'unplayable' by me, I would pester my father to buy for me at OG. I didnt know how tired he would be, after coming back from work from the construction site and I would throw my temper if i feel i wouldn't get the toy i wanted. I was also not aware that my father was not earning much. I didnt demand much but only certain things. I remembered once we were on a trip to OG, just me and my father. On the way, his pickup broke down. He had to change the punctured tyre all by himself. I was very sure that in his mind back then, all he wanted was to ensure we could still reach OG in time to buy the toy for me.When we reached, it was already about to close. I managed to get my toy and was very happy. Did i even bother to ask how my dad was ? Did he injure any part of himself while changing the tyre? I regretted that I was more of an introvert those days and was always quiet. However, i remembered this incident very well.

When i got to Henry Park, i saw many children who were rich and had parents driving them in very rich cards as they got off in the school car park. I was feeling ashamed that i had to come in a pickup. When i got off, i quickly went to hide. There was a time i remembered my father asking if i was ashamed of him , i quickly brushed it off, and denying it. Till today, I am very ashamed still, but of myself. I do not know where part of my brain went to, but this is something that no child should learn of. Every child should be proud of their parents. Be it even if its just $1 or $2 as pocket money , do spare a thought for your parents as you may never know what they may have went through just to give you that money on the table.

Parents of yesteryear may not be as educated as today's. Thus I believe no matter how much we can disagree with parents over certain issues, the most important thing is to know that they have our affairs at heart. My mum , who is illiterate but managed to pick up chinese just by reading newspapers and the Bible daily, could understand how important reading was for young children and how important English will be come to be. She would bring us kids, including those that she had babysit, all to the library to make sure we can borrow books to read. There were times when we came home and realised we had borrowed some malay books!  My mother could not be sure which books that were suitable for us. But today, my brother has a very successful career and I have been teaching English as tuition for the last ten years. Thus, most of the time, i wonder how much my mother could have achieve if she had went to school. However, it was her painstakingly efforts to send us to tuition no matter the cost that I will remember. Money earned through hard hours of babysitting.. Think about it. Thus, today, when parents ask of us things, we must try to do it as long as it is within our means.

As i am still not a parent to date, there are many things I have thought of for the future. How could it be like when a child, made up of characteristics of both me and my wife , stands beside me? I would see my childhood in him and likewise my wife's too. However, i have also thought what if im  childless. Where will i be when both are old? Will we be in an old folks home? Sleeping by the road or in some place which we do not even know of by then?

Well, tomorrow is the weekend and I shouldn't sound so melancholy. Enough reminiscicing. Good night and sleep tight.

September Moon

The cute girl above is named Frederike, a German who used to have a Taiwanese nanny. Well both Mrs Ussenal and me love this girl to bits as she can speak some chinese and at the same time flaunting her adorable face. Makes childless couples melt, doesnt she?

As years past, people grow. Not only in the body shape(unfortunately)but also how we think. Can a year just simply passed by without any significant changes? Can everyone's year just easily goes from Jan to Dec montonously? I think when you are young, it's easier. When you start to have a family and begin working, it doesnt seem that easy.

For a start, after my last update in this blog, there was a blow on the workfront for me. For the first time, there wasn't any performance bonus at all. It was made worse when the company had to retrench several workers due to the poor performing market in the conveyancing department. Some aquaintances left even before proper goodbyes could be said. Worry was on everyone's face and the whole office was creppily quiet with unhappy dissent. Nobody knew what could happen next. Normally such stuff would even make the bosses more paranoid; gives more pressure onto workers to ensure they themselves wouldnt get the sack.Coupled with several changes at the bank, the immediate $$ future doesnt seem too rosy even when our  own department has outperformed several other teams. for near to 8 years, this has got to be the first time when you dont even know if there is $ to be spent for the Cny 2015.

From oct 2013 to current, Mrs Ussenal has not been in good health. It has turned from a normal 'oh just take the norma med' to something which has taken much more concentration and focus. Be it from stress from work or elsewhere, it has opened me up to how easily we take good health for granted. What is the point of earning that steak when we cant even eat it?  Ask any sick person and you will know how much worth is good health. It has also made me more aware about taking that extra chilli or sweet drink. However I learnt another thing when there were times i had to be personally there for Mrs Ussenal when she was sick and weak. I came to realise what the marriage vows I took all meant actually.

When couples marry, they are happy , happy that they are handsome men marrying pretty brides and vice versa. Everything is made perfect and 100% ready to go. People say why marry when both are happy? When nobody is happy anymore, then just break and go. However, i beg to differ on why marriage is important as it brings the relationship to a higher level of understanding, responsibility and care. Relationship matters are all different levels of human feelings and responses which is why i will never believe 3 mth old relationships would have a very successful marriage because the foundations are just too premature.

When Mrs Ussenal has fallen sick, I always felt frustrated that why is she always sick nowadays. My frustration stems from the hurt and sorry i feel for her and  that i cant seem to do anything really helpful either. But that taught me to be even more patient.You dont see doctors or nurses scolding patients right, be it the 1000th patient of the same few illness. I really pray that she will be fine soon and that Jesus will heal her alright. Although there have been changes in our life styles, i learnt to accept them as long as she is fine. It then taught me that life is not like a straight road all the time. Sometimes we got to move a little to adapt.

On a side note, i have finally quitted the game Maplestory. 9 years. So many friends have come and gone. I made the decision after realising its never ending of keeping up to date with the items. There was also no point since there were no more friends and gameplay was no longer what it was.

Its another 3 months to December. I pray to Jesus that everyone is kept safe and sound and always enjoy good health. In what may be a bleak year for some, i also pray that the next 3 months will pick up and let them have a strong finish to the year 2014.

Good night Blog.

Resurrection Day

Tomorrow is Easter Day, or I would rather call it Resurrection Day.

The day where Jesus rose again 3 days afer being cruxified on the cross.

Early childhood Easter days were a fun time during church. We will get presents and definitely an easter egg to go with. When I started to grow up, Good Fridays became more 'useful' as we started to treasure holidays and tend to look forward to such.

Years past by and we come to year 2014. On the Good Friday this year, I had planned to bring my parents to a good lunch at their favourite porridge stall at busy Chinatown. I went to sleep the night before, not knowing what the next day would actually be like.

I awoke naturally, a bit bemoaning the fact that i had not caught on more sleep than usual. Before long, my mother came in and said that my brother had called and there was a family event today. Together with some of my aunties and uncles, there will be a visit to the columbariums and graves of my grandparents as well as my late Uncle Teng. Without too much pondering, i readily agreed to it.

While changing clothes, I noticed that the sky was pitch dark and will rain very soon. We quickly prepared and took our umbrellas and off we went downstairs to wait for my brother, who would come very quickly to pick us up.

As we entered the car not too long ago, rain started to fall.

Inside the car, my Uncle Beng was as usual chatting non stop. Everyone was feeling still fresh and was looking forward to offer our respects later. When we reached the Christian Cemetery at my Grandpa's it was still raining heavily. Along the narrow paths leading to the site, I could see some others who , despite the onpouring rain, remain steadfast in their decision to come out of their cars and crowd around their late but not forgotten ones.

As we reached the site of my grandpa's, we decided to wait a while in the car while my aunt Hong has yet to arrive. A silence in the car allowed me to get away in my own thoughts for a while as i peered far to where my grandpa's tomb lay.

I may be the least expressive and i am very sure i may have not said this to my grandpa ever; that I love and respect him deeply. Not that i grew up and started to know what a great man he was now. But i already knew it long ago, just that being an adult has allowed me to be able to further feel that.

I had always felt bad to my grandpa and a tinge of regret as i remembered i threw one rare tantrum at him just before he was soon to be warded for a heart by pass operation. I just felt so sorry that i hadn't the chance to say i m sorry and i swept his hand away after he had tried to sayang me after knocking onto my nose while trying to prepare some drink for me.

The silence was quickly disturbed by a message on my brother's phone. It was an apps message to the chat group which my uncles and aunties had created. Only my brother among my many cousins was inside the group as he was the eldest grandson and he would then pass on the message from the top.

Decision was to visit my great grandparents columnbariums at nearby Choa Chu Kang as the rain was too heavy for us to get down.

Soon, we reached the place. Rain had started to get smaller and i was impressed as marshallers were stationed to direct traffic, perhaps knowing Good Friday would be another busy day for relatives to give respect to the late ones, despite the recent Qin Ming festival which had passed on about a week ago. Perhaps it was just a holiday which people decided to chance upon, maybe some were busy the week before.

As we made our way there, i suddenly remembered seeing my great grand parents pictures in the big living hall of my grandpa's house at Duke's Road. Although it was so many years after they have shifted out of Duke's Road, i have several fond memories of the place, even as it stood still waiting for demolition the last time i went back to have a last look. We sang my grandpa's favourite gospel song and also read Psalm 23. Quick references were also made, pictures taken to ensure we will know where the columbariums are so it will be easier to locate in future.

Soon it was already 1130am. We next made our way back to my Grandpa's, whom i feel , even up to today, was the man everyone in my Chua Family loved and deeply respected. While my grandma had some 'crosses' among some of  the family members before and may not have made certain decisions better, my grandpa certainly have no such problems among my uncles and aunties. Never have i ever heard any of them complaining about my grandpa. Whatever he said, all held in high regard and never questioned. Even up till now, the several blank and devastated faces i seen on my uncles and aunties at my grandpa's funeral, i could not forget.

As we reached the site again, rain had stopped totally. Sun was bright and  air was humid.

As we stood around my Grandpa's tombstone after years since i last visited it, i just felt like the small boy again, waiting near my grandpa as he stood in his favourite sofa in the living room. We sang the same song and read Psalm 23 again. To me and perhaps some of our family members, i have taken Psalm 23 with me as i grew, even if i had fallen off course from church on times. This Psalm was written by David who was was one of the closest to God in the Bible. It is a very heart warming Psalm which gives comfort and strength always.

My uncle, Pastor Yen Ming then spoke briefly on the coming of Jesus soon and the recent Blood Moon in the eclipse was evident that soon, Jesus shall come again. Despite the several different schools of though in Christianity, the coming of Jesus has always been evident and on the thoug hof several christians. The day that Jesus comes again, the dead shall be resurrected and be taken up to heaven together with the living ones. What a sight that would be.

As we will soon leave for lunch at Westlake before droppin over at my Uncle Teng, i touched on my grandpa's tombstone and felt much better. Although I always felt sorry that I didnt apologise to him, i remembered i was at the hospital bed just before he went for the operation. I remembered my mother cooking chicken rice and I was walking around his bed. I cant remember saying anything but i m sure my presence around his bed would have assured him i am okay, and just throwing a silly tantrum.

As we went back into the car, i realised that my grandpa could very well be making the drink for me, knowing he might not have another chance to do it again should the operation fail. However, as with all regrets, one might say there is no turning back.

However, in our christian world, we believe in the Resurrection. Just as Jesus rose on the third day, i believe i will see my grandpa one day again and i will have the chance to say to him what i had wanted all these years.

Happy Easter Day!

Signed off Mr USsenal 

Childhood

Childhood.

Did you have an enjoyable childhood? Was it only not too long ago that you have played that above toy and pretended that you were such a good driver?

Time flies. It became easier to understand things which we were not able to years ago. Easily, you will find your self talking about years of ten to even twenty. Wasn't it not too long ago we were studying hard for the o levels? It also wasn't too long either that i had always enjoyed taking ang paos during CNY.

I remembered several things and i know somethings will fade together with the memories as years go by.

It seemed time had freezed whenever i think about the past.Joyful cries and laughter , happy times and exciting moments... But somehow we just can't stop time from going on. It seems that the images called memories just seemed to ride itself in my brain like a bicycle wheel. It never gets old.

We start to grow into adults. Our minds change and so do our physical appearance. Deep inside, we dont. Although we are now adults and no longer the little boy or girl who would throw tantrums in front of our parents, i believe if the situation allows, we still will. Some things never change.Although our parents have aged and so do us, certain habits and feelings don't.

Signed off Mr USsenal

Year of Snake to Horse

30th January 2014 
 Last Day of Snake Year, Start of Horse Year

It been a while since I am able to sit down and blog about our USsenal's recent happenings. As stated by Mr Ussenal on his last uploaded blog, you can see that many had happened in the year of Snake. Am I looking forward to the year of Horse.. ...Maybe... Maybe not... ...

I am blessed with many lovely and beautiful happenings in 2013 but I am too heavily 'saddled' like a horse in the coming new year. I missed my family members in Aussie like crazy but tonnes of words could only be kept in my heart. Hubby sick and was home for 2 days but indeed felt helpless as a wife as there's so much lacking in me and I admit, I really am an inattentive wifey. hehe Well, maybe coz my Madam aka MIL is doing all the work. What else can I contribute??? haha

Many asked me this question :''When are you going to have your baby?'' I did pondered and wondered but frankly speaking, definitely not now. Although 'saddled' with heaps and tonnes of duties and workload but deep in my heart, I do love my job scope very much.

These days, I am always sounding like a 'Customer Service Officer' representing my organisation while dealing with really 'Don't know how to describe' parents. After a long day of 'service talk', just the smile of any kiddos in the centre is enough to fuel me through the long day once again. I do really loved kids muchie and loads... .. especially GIRLS. hahahaha

My own child plan will always leads to flashes of my lovely bestie, Swee Swee who will always come to my mind always. After her lovely wedding and her first child, we have never been able to be able to meet up with each another. Been caught up with our own schedule, we missed our meet ups far too many times. However, whenever her face of a contented mother of two to be came to my mind after reviewig her Facebook updates, I will always thank God for allowing her to meet Roy, her cute and joyous hubby - the real one to love my one and only beloved Swee. Still, my own child plan still doesn't seemed to fall in place yet, at least for this Horse Year.

I remembered last year at this time, I am also blogging at this very spot and at this very time as I was awakened by the smell of curry. However, this year, CNY seemed to be abit far too quiet for me and my family. Apart from the reunion dinner we will be having with both Woo's and Chua's family(our very first time together), there is practically nothing red decorations at home(due to demise of Mr USsenal's grandmother recently). However, I am always thankful that God never fails to surprise me with loads of surprises among the group of angels he planted in my life.

Tomorrow happens to be the birthday of my beloved life mentor cum colleague cum pal - Teacher Vanessa's birthday. Nothing fanciful which I am not allowed  to do but I have decided to buy her a cake and to celebrate it with her and with the many children and colleagues whom be there at the centre with us. This is the part I liked and loved about my jobs.. .. whatever we do, no matter where we are, God always plants lovely little angels whom enjoyed birthdays best. They definitely be the one to sing the Happy Birthday Song. hahaha Not me... I still kinda sounds like a froggy(after my 3 weeks of sickness).

Looking forward to tomorrow CNY eve dinner @ Westlake(owned by my hubby's family) and been able to go back to Woo's mansionette, especially with my lovely sister, Woo Pei2 posting happily about her 3 tubs of ice-creams. hehe
Walls?Ben & Jerry or ??? I wonder... ...

 Shall update again when I had my 'FILL' .. .. Westlake & Woo's Mansionette.. .. Here I come!!! hehe

Gong Hei Fatt Choi

Signed off by Mrs USsenal